Episode 24/Transcript
(We're at the Doctor's office) Doctor: I'm afraid I have some bad news. I don't really know how to tell you this, but according to your test results... you're not pregnant. (the Van Burens gasp) Jayna: But Doctor, how can this be? Doctor: Well, I don't know how you—is that a wine bottle? Jayna: I'm sorry, it's past noon and you just told me I'm not pregnant. I'm coping. I'm celebrating. I'm copebrating. I'm celebroting. Call it what you will. Doctor: Did you specifically bring in a wine bottle just so you could— Jayna: It's how I deal with stressful situations, doctor! Shay: Really Mom, is "stressful situation" your new term for seeing a fully clothed man? Jayna: Shay! Mommy just lost a child! A child, Shay. Be nice! Cameron: Yeah Shay, Mom's going through a lot right now! Losing a baby is a traumatic event! Shay: Well, good thing she has the abortion queen of Johnson County by her side. Cameron: I know you're trying to insult me, but they're actually naming a wing of the clinic after me, so let's see who's laughing when I'm cutting the ribbon on the Cameron Van Buren Center for Vacuum Research & Fetus Disposal! Mikayla: Cameron, I don't really think that this is the kind of thing that anybody should be laughing about— Cameron: Cool it, Mikayla. You're a prime example of why this city should okay abortions into the 30th trimester— Jayna: Girls, girls! You are all treasures! Lovely, accidental treasures! Mistakes, but treasures. Now, doctor if this isn't a baby inside of my stomach, what exactly is it? Doctor: Well, how long have you been under the assumption that you were pregnant? Jayna: I don't know two, maybe three years. Shay, Cameron, and Mikayla: What? Jayna: I admit, I thought it was a little long, but you know, I was pregnant with Mikayla for sixteen months. Shay: Jesus, that explains why she's the size of Polly Pocket. Mikayla: I know. Doctor: Alright, first of all, unless you gave birth to a hammerhead shark, you did not have a 16 month pregnancy. Second, Mrs. Van Buren, how much exactly do you drink? Jayna: Well, not much. I mean, I'll have a glass and a half of wine at lunch. Then, nothing like an ice cold zima when the sun's setting. Zinfandel spritzers while I'm cooking dinner for the girls. Red, not white. Several gin and tonics with my evening meal, which take me straight into dessert and some delicious cherry wine. Then I'll curl up with the latest issue of O Magazine and half a bottle of scotch. Then, a quick shot of whiskey before bed so my dreams are peculiar and nice. Come morning, I can hardly get out of bed without a spicy Bloody Mary—Can you blame me, señor, I like the bite, cha cha! Then a couple of wine coolers, two, three, in the mid-morning for energy, zappo! And what do you know we're back at lunch, and it means wine time in my book. Doctor: Good god. In my professional opinion, I would have to say that the growth which you believed to be a two-year-old child growing in your belly, who by the way would be able to talk by now, is nothing more than a tremendous amount of fat. (Shay, Cameron, Mikayla, and Jayna gasp) Cameron: Gross. Doctor: You might want to put yourself on a liver transplant list, cause you're going to need a head start. Jayna: In my defense doctor, I did think I was drinking for two! Shay: Goddammit Mom, did you really drag me out of school just to find out that you're a fatass? Cameron: Yeah Mom, I was supposed to get an anal bleaching and a Brazilian today, and I was on jury duty, I just didn't go. Jayna: Girls night! Mikayla: No Mom! It's not girls night at all! It's the middle of the goddamn day. How about you step up to the plate and be a mommy for once? Jayna: Pizza Street? (Jayna, Shay, and Mikayla all respond happily) Jayna: That's right girls, great, here's forty dollars. I'll see you when you get home. All this news has made Mommy very tie-tie! Doctor: Uh, you can't go to sleep here. (Bridget is seen at Pizza Street) Mikayla: Hello, do you serve happy meals? Bridget: The only true happiness comes in death. Mikyla: Oh... so is—is that a yes or a— Bridget: No. We only have pizza. Mikayla: Okay. Well, do you have a kids menu? Bridget: We have smaller pizzas. Mikayla: Ooh! Do they come with a toy? Bridget: It comes with a small white table. Mikayla: Cool! I guess I'll have a pepperoni then. Bridget: One children's pepperoni— Mikayla: Wait, are the pepperonis regular-sized or kid-sized? Bridget: The pepperonis are regular-sized. I know, it's a travesty. Mikayla: That it is. Just cheese then. Bridget: One children's cheese pizza. Mikayla: Can I have my toy now? Bridget: Yes, in fact, here's two hundered and fifty of them. Mikayla: Ooh! Tables! Biye! Bridget: Diye. Shay: Hiye! Bridget: Welcome to Pizza Stree— Terry: Hey, Bridget! I was just—oh I didn't realize you had a friend here. Well, hi there, Terry Doleman, manager here at Pizza Street. Ah, well, Assistant manager... technically... officially... but one day! Believe it, then achieve it! Shay: Well, that was weird. Bridget: What's really weird is that I work in a restaurant, yet I haven't washed my hands since Sunday. Shay: What? Bridget: What do you want to order? Shay: How are your salads? Bridget: Good as our pizza. Which is not good. Terry: Bridget! Remember that talk we had last night? Bridget: You mean the one where you asked me if I liked your sausage pizza, and then pointed at your genitals, and then said get it, get it, sausage pizza, I'm talking about my penis. Terry: No! No! (laughs) The one about having a positive attitude in the workplace! Happy face makes a happy place! Oh! My god! That just made me think of something to put on my vision board! I'll be right back. Bridget: Here's a vision: a twenty-seven year old woman spending every waking moment working in the bowels of hell. Oh wait, that's a nightmare. A nightmare I call my life. Shay: Wow. Great. TMI, but thanks. Bridget: So just the salad, or would you like to hear about our wonderful selection of croutons? Shay: Oh I didn't realize there was a selection of croutons— Bridget: There's not. Shay: Well then yeah, just the salad. Ooh, unless you have, like, tiny chopped up hot dogs. Bridget: No, this is Pizza Street, not a toddler's kitchen. Shay: Then I guess a salad. Bridget: Next! (Cameron walks up) Bridget: Next! Cameron: Um, what the fuck? I haven't even ordered! Bridget: Can't blame a girl for trying. Cameron: Whatever, give me a slice of pizza. No cheese. No sauce. Gluten free crust. Do you have protein boosts? Bridget: Are you sure you don't want a glass of diet air with that? Cameron: Is that supposed to be some kind of joke? Bridget: You got me. We only have full calorie air. Cameron: Oh my God, I had no idea that Kathy fucking Griffin was working at Pizza Street today! Hilarious! Listen, I'm sorry that you're, well, you but I didn't come here to get harassed by some ginger nightmare who's jealous that I'm busy jet-setting across Johnson and Sedgwick Counties with my thirty-one year old boyfriend in his 2011 Chevy Avalanche! Terry: Hey hey hey what's going on here? Cameron: Are you the manager? Terry: Well yes! I mean, no. I mean... well what's the issue? Cameron: Well, this fucking twat-faced twat thinks she's fucking hilarious! Bridget: I think many things about myself. I assure you that is not one of them. Cameron: She's over here working out her fucking stand up routine while I'm trying to order a goddamn slice of gluten, sauce, and cheese free pizza. Bridget: I'm so sorry. I did not mean to interrupt you from ordering your wafer. Terry: Hey hey hey now, Bridget. Come on, customer's always right. Bridget: Yes, right about to pass out from malnourishment. Cameron: Hey! Bridget: Oh sorry, didn't mean to use a multi-syllabic word in front of you. Cameron: Oh yeah, okay, how about I come back there and kick your ass? Bridget: How about I give you an IQ test? Terry: Now ladies, ladies, may I remind you this is a family establishment. Bridget: Is that why you tried to make a family with me in the walk-in freezer last night? Terry: Oh, ho, ho, come on now Bridget, nobody here was trying to make a family last night. Bridget: Yeah not with your one ball and my ovarian cysts. Cameron: Ewwww, one ball. Only tetherball and T-ball should have a single ball. Terry: Well I've got a single ball, and I'm not ashamed of it! Cameron: Ewww! Terry: I am a proud survivor of testicular cancer right here! Live strong that's what I say! Wear the bracelet every day! Cameron: Ew, isn't that that guy who took a bunch of steroids and then lost his nut? Terry: HE WAS FRAMED! That man is a treasure! He raised millions of dollars, saved thousands of lives, but you cheat at one little bike race and all of a sudden you're Mussolini. Cameron: Who? Bridget: Shocker. Terry: Bridget, I'm a little bit worked up. I'm gonna take some tater tots to the buffet. You think you can handle things yourself? Bridget: Don't worry boss, I won't let you down... on me ever again. Cameron: You guys have a buffet? Bridget: You couldn't possibly be interested in the buffet. Cameron: No, I just didn't realize you had one. Bridget: Four twenty-five, all you can eat. Quite the deal. Cameron: Ugh, four twenty-five for a buffet. Who the fuck would want to eat that? Deandra: Here's five dollars. Keep the change! (Deandra is seen at the buffet) Deandra: Hmm, cheese. Extra cheese. Meh. Pepperoni. Hmm, sausage. Oh, pepperoni and sausage. I like what they did there. Hmm. Veggie, ew. Oh what is this, a bushel of potatoes? Now we're talking! Oh what is this? Individual string cheeses? Unwrapped? Well there goes half my effort! Oh, Goldfish crackers! I'll take a hot dog. I'd better take another one in case this doesn't fill me up. I better take another one in case I meet a friend. I better take another one just in case that doesn't fill my friend up. I better take another one just in case I drop one on the way over.